


Scorpio Rising

by somelikeithoth (SuckaNucka)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, In which Poe Dameron falls apart, Leia and Poe learn that relationships are hard to mend, Lesbians in Space, M/M, Nightmares, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Panic Attacks, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Poe and Rey frienship, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Post-TLJ, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rey is a sunshine who tries to help, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt, Unrequited Love, finn is trying, finn makes things worse and then better, in which Poe Dameron's friends help him pull through, rose takes no shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-25 20:59:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14985464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuckaNucka/pseuds/somelikeithoth
Summary: When Poe Dameron reaches the end of his rope, he ties a knot. But sometime after Crait, the rope just breaks. Finn tries hard and means well, but his attempts at love and friendship are messy and uncertain. Rose wrestles with immense grief and survivors guilt, and somewhere in the middle of it all Rey puts everything into what little she knows about love and the force to save her friends from self-sabotage before it’s too late. Unable to reach him, Poe’s friends watch him hellbent on a path of self-destruction as they try to navigate their way through this strange new world. The Rebels know their cause is a worthy one with a high price to pay, but they wonder, if it doesn’t kill them, then at what cost will liberation come?





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have had this fic idea in my head since I saw TLJ. I have a lot of mixed feelings about TLJ and this is one of many ideas to fix things. It's gonna be really angsty! But things will get better. Eventually. This fic was inspired by the song Scorpio Rising by Soccer Mommy. I have the whole fic outlined and several chapters are written, so I will try to update every TUESDAY!  
> TW for this chapter: PTSD, Derealization/Depersonalization, Nightmares.  
> lmk if you want anything tagged.  
> Enjoy and please leave a comment!

   Scorpio Rising Chapter 1

When Poe Dameron wakes, he has to remind himself that he isn’t on the Millenium Falcon anymore.

 _It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re on the old rebel base on Dantooine._ Poe attempted to soothe himself. _Get it together Dameron. You’re fine._ The metal of the abandoned derelict rebel base creaked as the wind braced the Dantooine plains. He knows he had a nightmare but he can’t quite remember what was so terrifying about it. His sheets are wet and his shirt and shorts stick to him, but he isn’t hot at all, he is so cold, cold, cold.

He had been on Crait, sliding foot first into the pit, but when he falls into the trench he doesn’t see Resistance soldiers. Finn’s got his tongue halfway down Rose’s throat. Poe tries to climb out of the trench but his legs don't work the way he wants them to so he sits down. He’s in his orange jumpsuit and he doesn’t know where his jacket is. Rey sits down next to him. “Where’s my jacket?” he asks. Rey tells him that it’s Taungsday and she is in love with Kylo Ren.

That's when Poe woke up. When he recalls the dream it doesn’t seem scary at all, in fact, it seems kind of silly. But for some reason, Poe’s room on base feels like an alleyway now and even though he is pretty sure he is alone, he keeps touching his back to make sure something isn’t crawling on his skin.

Poe decides that at this point it’s best to just get dressed, BB-8 would be waking him in an hour anyway. Poe pulls off clammy clothes on the way to the refresher. The shower screen slides behind him with a satisfying sound. Even after he has washed all the sweat off, Poe still feels _other._

 

* * *

 

Since the skeleton crew of the Millenium Falcon had settled into the run-down Dantooine Rebel Base, a few more people had joined. When they had arrived, they numbered about 20 people. A few fleets had managed to escape D-Qar, but many remained scattered throughout the Outer-Rim, trying to not congregate in one place where they would be easy pickings for the First Order if found. A few more transports had joined Leia’s group on Dantooine a couple weeks before. They now had a few medical droids and a handful of X-wings, but not much more than that. Their crew numbers something in the low 300s now and while it was an improvement from the previous few survivors, it is not much to speak of.

Poe joined his friends, Rose, Rey, and Finn in the noisy messhall for breakfast. Over the last few weeks the crew has gotten a chance to know eachother better, though some would argue that nothing bonds sous quicker than surviving a war. Conversation with Rey came easily. Poe found that she knew more about ships and their maintenance than he even knew was possible. And though he was several years her senior, she possessed a blunt but wise perspective on the galaxy, which Poe decided, may or may not have had something to do with being the last of the jedi, an orphan of her family and her culture. Things with Finn had settled into an uneasy calm as Finn tried to find his place in the Resistance. Poe insisted that this is where he belongs, _You’re one of us now,_ he always reminded him. But for all the votes of encouragement, Finn often times still seemed wide-eyed. It didn’t help that Poe was harboring some secret feelings, but for the time being, he had decided it wasn’t the right time to bring it up with Finn right now. Where Rose was concerned,  Poe didn’t know her that well, although he knew her late sister, Paige, somewhat. He couldn't shake the feeling that he owed her something, though if he did, she never let on.

Nevertheless, the laughing crew were a sight for sore eyes. Poe slid into his spot next to Finn and nudged his shoulder with his. Finn looked away embarrassed. Poe thought he could see him blush but he’s not sure.

Poe had joined in the middle of Rey regaling everyone with her tales of Luke Skywalker. “So, like, I’m reaching my hands out and I can feel it, y’know, I can actually feel the Force,” Rey acts out the action accordingly.

“And then what?” Finn leans forward. He wants to believe in the Force so much. Poe wished he didn’t find everything he did so _fucking endearing._

“Luke was like ‘Oh the force must be so strong with you,’” She mocked. “And then I like open my eyes, and it was just Luke tickling my fingers with a blade of grass!” Rey exclaims. She slams her hand on the table in comedic exasperation, startling Poe. “Like, who does that.”

  Finn rolls his eyes and takes a bite of bacon. “Luke Skywalker, apparently,”

“I can’t believe he would do that…” Rose says. She seems genuinely troubled that Luke Skywalker would do such a thing.

“Can’t say I’m surprised,” Poe says. “He is Leia’s brother.” Poe remembers Leia’s slapping him and the general feeling of Holdo’s barely readable expression that somehow also communicated pure disdain for Poe. He decides it's time to think about something else.

“Yeah, how is that,” Rey takes a bit of food and in between mouthfuls says, “You and Leia? You said you felt kind of weird about it.” Rey notices Poe become guarded. Poe notices her noticing. Finn and Rose share a silent exchange.

“Oh, it’s fine…”  though Poe knows he does not sound convincing. “Things are alright,” he said, because they weren’t. It wasn’t one thing so much as it was everything. Poe didn’t want to fight with Leia.

But Poe was also a Scorpio rising, apparently. _Reckless flyboy._ Poe turned the words over in his head.

“Poe?” Rey asked. He had been gone too long. Rose stood to put away her tray and Finn followed her lead. “Sorry, Rey, I’m just really tired. I didn’t sleep very well.” It wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t the whole truth either.

 

* * *

 

That night Poe had the same dream twice, the same dream he had the night before and the week before that. The woman of the Creche is telling him that his Scorpio Rising is interfering with his Sagittarius sun. Poe can’t seem to meet her black eyes. He stares at the blue oval on her forehead. “You are ready to sacrifice, young Sagittarius, but others are not.” Poe starts to ask what she means but it feels like there is something gummy in his mouth. “You need to tell him,” she says. She cracks an egg.

After the second time having the dream, Poe doesn’t fall back asleep. He feels with a certain intensity that he must tell Finn how he feels, but that goes against the rules. Poe’s rules, for himself, that is.

  1. No fraternizing with the enemy
  2. No fraternizing within the friend group



Depending on who you ask, Poe realized, Finn is both of those. Also, depending on who you ask, Poe has broken both of those rules at least a few times.

   

* * *

 

 

The next morning, Poe got to mess early taking a seat at their usual table. He couldn’t stop looking around. He tried to be as casual as possible, but he couldn’t quite achieve that with the caf jittering through his veins. The mess hall seemed unusually bright and unusual busy today, he noted. He secretly knew it was always like this but everything seemed hyper-real. Those fucking fluorescent lights.

Poe rubbed his eyes and quickly scanned the mess hall for Finn. As Poe turned to look behind him, he immediately wished that he hadn’t. Finn looked good. Poe tried not to notice how nicely his pants seemed to fit him this morning. He tried to very casually act like he wasn’t staring or that he wanted to stare. Poe bit his lip and tried to think of anything else. The mere sight of Finn in _his_ jacket made him jump. Then he noticed Rose walking beside him. He suddenly remembered his place in their dynamic; he wasn’t anything significant.

Finn sat down across from Poe and not next to him. Poe tried not to assign any significance to the interaction as Rose took a seat beside Finn. Seconds later, Rey clattered into the seat next to Poe. “If you aren’t gonna eat your pancakes, can I have them?” she asked. Poe slid his tray over and left. He wasn’t hungry anymore.

 

* * *

 

“BB-8. Hold. Still.” Poe grunted. BB-8 whirred lowly, rocking back and forth. “I know you don’t like maintenance, but you aren’t in a position to argue.”

BB-8 chirped disdainfully.

“I wouldn't say that if I were you, I’ve got a screwdriver in your circuits right now.”

There was a knock at the door of Poe’s quarters. Poe groaned as BB-8 broke free to go answer the door.

“Dammit, BB-8! Oh, Finn…” Poe straightened his posture and casually put away the screwdriver he had been angrily waving at his droid.

“Hey Poe,” Finn flashed that blinding white smile that always made Poe’s heart melt. “May I come in?”

“Buddy, you are welcome here anytime you like,” Poe patted his arm and stepped aside to let him in.

“Oh, thank stars,” Finn said. Finn sat on one end of Poe’s bunk and Poe joined him on the other. “Something has been bugging me, and I’ve been meaning to ask you…”     

“What’s up?” Poe’s heart started beating a little faster.

“Well, I’m sure you noticed everything that’s going on between me and Rose,” Finn nervously picked at the bedsheets. He wouldn’t meet Poe’s eyes.

“No, what's been going on?” Poe wasn’t sure what he was implying, there were two possible answers.

  1. Rose’s feelings for Finn were unrequited.
  2. Poe’s feelings for Finn were unrequited.



Poe hoped it wasn’t option B. He had a bad feeling about this. Finn took a deep breath and gathered a fistful of sheets in his hands. “Well, Rose, y’know she kissed me on Crait, I’m sure you are aware, and you see in the First Order we didn’t really, you see-”

“ _Oh._ ” The room shrank. All at once Poe realized this wasn’t a love confession. He had completely read the situation all wrong. Finn was seeking advice.

“Do you like her?” Poe asked. The question hung in the air. Finn knitted his eyebrows together. “I mean, yeah. I like Rose. I do. Like her, that is. Why wouldn’t I?”

Poe pressed his lips together. Something about the way Finn said it bugged him, but it wasn’t quite jealousy. It was just that, well, Finn liked most people. _Finn likes everyone, what does he know about love?_ Poe thought.

“I liked kissing, I think, I don't know-- it didn't last very long. I like my friends. Dating is just a combination of those two things, right?” Finn simplified.

“That’s..not really how it works at all.” Poe was barely managing civility at this point. He was so not the person Finn should be talking to about this, and Finn, he _trusts_ Poe. And Poe was completely and hopelessly in love with him. He was on the outside looking in. Who was he to be explaining _love_ to the man who did not love him?

“See, Rose thinks I’m this Big Resistance Hero, but the truth is, I’ve never been with a girl like that. I’ve never been with anyone like that, you know what I mean?” Unfortunately Poe did. “I need you help Poe. I just don't know what to do.”

Poe hadn’t felt a single thing in weeks, nothing more than a vague sense of constant impending doom, since Crait. But the way Finn spoke about Rose with such careful care in his voice flicked a switch he had forgotten existed. Half his friends had died. His squad had died. And suddenly he could feel it all. This was hardly the ideal time for this to be happening. Terribly angry, somewhat endeared, and tremendously sorry, Poe turned away.

“Poe, are you...crying?”

Poe threw his hands up in exasperation and stood. “I have to go fix BB-8,” he said and left. Without BB-8. His droid beeped from his charging station in the corner.

[ _What the fuck just happened?_ ]

“I have no idea.”

  



	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe has a panic attack after an unpleasant conversation with Finn triggers a wave of emotion he hadn't realized he hadn't been feeling. Afterward, General Leia asks Poe to lead a memorial service for those killed by the Dreadnought and on Crait. Leia can see Poe is struggling but she struggles herself how to connect with him when she and her son are partly responsible for his pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a busy day tomorrow so I am posting chapter 2 early so that I don't forget. Ahhh more angst. I really need to write a fluffy fic for how angsty this is going to be. It's gonna get worse before it gets better, but I promise a happy ending. Enjoy & leave a comment if you have anything to say! I am looking for a beta for this fic, so if you or someone you know is interested, let me know.  
> TW for this chapter: panic attacks, nightmares, memorial services/funerals.

Scorpio Rising Chapter 2

The emotions came quicker than Poe could possibly feel them. Poe walked quickly through the halls of the base, each step becoming harder to calculate. The lights seemed too bright and everything in his vision field distorted like a fish eye lens. His feet felt out of step and his whole body tingled. Finally, Poe made it to the cool outside night air. Poe staggered off base and sat beside a large durasteel supply crate in the grass. Poe’s heart raced and his veins flowed with ice. The tears just kept coming.

 _I’m dreaming, I must be dreaming._ Poe pulled his knees to his chest and buried his head in his knees, squeezing his eyes shut. Kylo Ren was in his brain, right there. He remembered the moment Kylo got it out of him. He hadn’t been strong enough. Shame threatened to swallow him whole right then. _It’s my fault, it was all my fault._ _None of this would have happened if I hadn’t given up the base._

“Fuck,” Poe sobbed. “ _Fuck_ , it’s my fault.” His chest heaved. _I shouldn’t even be feeling this way,_ he thought. _I can handle rejection and this has nothing to do with Finn-_

Finn. He remembered with a certain clarity the moment Finn removed his stormtrooper helmet. “ _This is a rescue._ ” He remembered Finn wearing his jacket, and the careful way that he had tucked the blanket under Rose’s chin. Finn was _so good_. But for a split second, Poe thought it might have been better if he had never been rescued at all. So many less people would have died at his hand. Rose’s sister would still be here.

Poe Dameron did not want to be Poe Dameron anymore. It turns out that being the best pilot in the galaxy weighed heavy on one’s shoulders. All he wanted was to sleep, to just sleep and forget and not wake up.

Distantly he heard BB-8’s trademark warble calling out for him. [ _Poe, Master-Poe; where are you? Don’t make me alert the general._ ]

Poe huffed and stood up. He quickly wiped snotty tears on his shirt and wrung out his hands. He couldn’t let BB-8 see him like this. Slowly he walked to his droid.

“I’m over here buddy,” Poe knelt down and hugged his droid.

[ _Poe…_ ]

“I’m fine, buddy. Let’s go to bed.”

[ _Poe does not seem ‘fine.’_ ] His eyes were red and his hair was a mess. His hands trembled and his voice quaked. [ _Was Master-Poe having a panic attack?_ ]

“I’ll postpone your matienience if you keep this you yourself,” Poe offered.

After some careful consideration, the droid beeped, [ _Deal._ ] BB-8 happily rolled back to base.

  


Poe fell asleep quickly once back in his quarters, exhausted from his crying fit. He slept peacefully for a few hours when he was awoken by the sound of his door sliding open.

He tried to lift his head and call out but no words came. A tall black figure stood in the doorway. For several minutes the figure stood, unmoving, and Poe could not break his stare. He tried to move, to do anything, but his body wasn’t responding. The black figure took several slow steps towards him. He was at his bedside now, but Poe still could not see his face. He heard a click. Kylo Ren’s lightsaber roared to life. Leia Organa's son raised his arm ready to strike.

Poe was awoken by his own tongue-tied shout. It took a few moments for his eyes to focus. He was facing the wall of his bunk but he could sense something standing beside him. He was afraid of what he might find if he turned his head.

[ _General-Leia wants to see you right away, Master-Poe._ ] BB-8 beeped helpfully. Poe groaned and flopped onto his back. He did not want to fight with Leia.

* * *

 

“General,” Poe stood at attention. “You wanted to see me?”

“At ease, Captain.” Leia smiled at him, and though Poe had relaxed, there was an uneasy tension. He could not meet her eyes more than a few seconds at a time. “Please sit. There is something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Poe obeyed, taking a seat at across from Leia at her desk. Poe looked past her at the Rebel flag hanging on the duracrete wall behind her.

“Now that we have settled into the new base, I was thinking it was time we honored our dead.” Poe nodded. “I was hoping you would say a few words.”

Poe didn’t respond.

“Poe?”

“I don’t want to.”

She sighed. “Poe, Crait happened. The Dreadnaught happened. It’s time to cut our losses and move on.” Leia said.

“All due respect,” Poe said bitterly, “But if I recall you criticized my choices, and now you want me to _memorialize_ them?”

“Poe.” Leia said sternly. His jaw tightened. He did not want to fight with Princess Leia, his mothers oldest friend.

“Fine.” Poe said. “May I leave?”

Leia inhaled. There was still so much more to say. So much she still needed to apologize for. But this was so much bigger than one fight. War, was complicated and messy, and she needed to find words that were _enough_ for that. “Poe. I,” she paused.

Poe would rather be anywhere else but here. Leia knew this. It was easy to talk through the most logical action when you weren’t holding up the roof and knee-deep in it, like Poe had done on her behalf so many times. It was easy to call off an attack from the safety of the bridge when your best friends weren’t dying in real time around you.

“You may.” As Poe got up to leave, Leia shut her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Surrogate sons were no easier than biological sons, Leia had discovered.

* * *

  


Later in the day, Poe contemplated his new task while he repaired old equipment on the previously abandoned rebel base. He was laying on his back underneath inside a dusty durastele cabinet, rewiring colorful circuits. It was not unusual for the general to ask the impossible of him. It’s just that if you do the impossible once, he had found, they don’t stop asking. Poe was tired. Broken like a scratched holovid, replaying the same scenes over, and over, and over again, ad nauseum. His conversation with Leia skipped in his head, superimposed on images of that week.

Kylo Ren, her son, had tortured him; an abuse that had left him on his side. And she protected him. Of course, she had. It was a bitter reminder who was Leia’s true son. She had slapped him, humiliated him, and finally shot him. Maybe he half deserved it, he wondered.

He zapped himself on one of the wires. An expletive escaped his mouth. He couldn’t say he was surprised that had happened. It seemed the Force’s way of reminding him of his place. He hadn’t forgotten; it was so shameful to say that Leia had in any way been inadequate. War was a profound sacrifice. Parenthood was a profound sacrifice.

But goddamn his mother and his father, this life that they had set him up for. He half loathed them, and fully loved them for it. He wanted to so badly to be able to blame someone, blame his mother for leaving him behind, for leaving him looking for mothers in inappropriate, authoritative positions. But he couldn’t blame her. Whether she lived or died, Poe would have likely still found his way to the resistance; that’s just the kind of person he was. He probably would have loved Leia just as fiercely because that’s just the kind of woman she was.

Poe swore again, and this time not because the wires had shocked him. The apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, after all.

* * *

  


The next afternoon, Poe had tasked Rey with helping him search the basement of the old Rebel base for supplies for the memorial. Lights flickered in damp tunnels underneath the base. BB-8 quietly rolled alongside them, projecting a shining light. “So do you know where this supply closet is?” Rey asked. She idly kicked a pebble as Poe ducked his head into a room, he and BB-8 giving it a once-over.

“Leia said it would be somewhere in one of these rooms,” Poe called from inside the room.

“Right. How is that, by the way, you and Leia? Finn told me what happened on the bridge.” Poe stepped out into the hallway again and gave her a dead-eye stare. “Oookay, forget I asked.”

Rey brushed her fingers over cobwebbed walls. These halls bore too much resemblance to the one she had found Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber in.

“Have you ever held a memorial before?” Rey changed the subject.  Poe shook his head. “I spoke at my mothers funeral.”

 _Blast,_ she thought. “ _Oh, Poe._ I’m sorry. I didn’t know that you had…” It suddenly made sense, his relationship with Leia. She was clearly more to him than a commanding officer.

“S’okay Rey, you didn’t know.” He said with a weakly reassuring smile. He clapped her on the shoulder. “We’re at war. Everybody’s lost somebody.”

Rey pressed her lips together. “I know. I mean- My parents, they left me on Jakku.” Rey said.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Rey.” he said.

“Were you close with your mother?” Rey asked as she ducked her head into another room. Then, “Poe, I think this is it.” Her hands fumbled in the dark and found an exposed lightswitch. The fluorescent lights flickered over head. They were in a medium-sized room with aluminum shelves lining the walls. On the largest shelf on the far wall, a stack of Rebel flags sat folded. On the shelf above them, several scraped up helmets left over from the Rebel Alliance sat covered in dust. Poe stepped forward and picked one up, dusting it off.

“I learned how to fly on my mother's knee.” He said, placing the helmet on Rey’s head. It was too large for her and fell to one side. Poe bopped her on the head, which only exaggerated the tilt. “There. Fits like a glove.” Poe grinned, and Rey grinned back. Rey didn’t know what a brother, or a friend, for that matter was supposed to feel like, but she thought that Poe must be pretty close to the real thing.

* * *

  


Rey and Poe had, with the help of BB-8, dragged crates of helmets and flags to the main hall of the base. At the front of the large room, Poe arranged the crates in a horizontal line, one for each of the transports and main fleets that had been taken out by the First Order.  Traditionally, Poe had said, that a kind of battlefield cross would have been made for each fallen member of the resistance. However, it was glaringly obvious that they didn't have nearly enough resources for the kind of large-scale loss they had suffered. Rey was unsure of what to expect for a Resistance memorial service. But as she helped Poe set up for it the afternoon of, she couldn't shake the weighty feeling of tradition and ritual. Rey watched as with great reverence Poe draped the Rebel flag over each crate, the Rebel insignia hanging in front. Then, Poe took a helmet and placed one atop each draped crate.

With the stage set for the memorial, Poe left for his barracks to go over once more what he had planned to say. This was not to say that he something planned at all. What could he possibly say?

The thing about war in intergalactic space is that while there were often casualties, there were not often bodies. In his more halcyon, hopeful days, Poe liked to believe that if we were vaporized in war, then whatever weird, vague, nebulous shit we were made of would join with the Force or some Luke Skywalker shit like that.

Now, however, Poe questions what an “instant” death really means. He wonders about the nature of matter and if we really are greater than the sum of our parts. Nihilism never looked good on him, but he isn’t quite sure this whole Force thing means anything. _Maybe we are all fighting for nothing, delaying nothing,_ he thinks. But he has to believe anyway, because if it really is all for nothing, if Rose’s sister died for nothing, that might be worse than not knowing.

* * *

  


After setting up the display, Poe returned to his room on base to prepare for the service. When he entered the room Poe didn't bother flicking on the lights; he knew just what he would see. Bed sheets hung halfway off the bed in a tangled mess, a small pile of dirty clothes at the foot of the bed. Poe's usually fairly neat desk was strewn with loose papers, garbage, and spare parts for BB-8. The trash overflowed. Poe's holo-communicator blinked on the nightstand next to his bed. In the dim light of the early evening, Poe went to his closet and rifled through a basket of clothes. Poe picked up a grey button up shirt and sniffed it. Deciding that it met the bare minimum requirements, he swapped it with his other shirt. Poe quickly ducked into the bathroom, raking his fingers through his curly dark hair, but he couldn’t be bothered to do much more than that. It was good enough; appearances hardly mattered when everyone else feels like shit. Poe yanked on his jacket and went out the door.

Quietly the Resistance filed into the hall that evening. Rey and BB-8 had made quick work of setting up enough chairs for everyone in two columns. Poe paced about nervously greeting members of the Resistance. He played the part of ‘fearless leader,’ but inside he felt sheepish.  Leia wore one of her glorious robes. She graciously walked from person to person, shaking the hands of low-level Resistance members, offering condolences, sharing memories. ‘ _She truly is royalty,’_ Poe thought. It occurred to Poe then that Leia had lost someone dear to her too.

The ceremony started on time, though Poe wished he could have delayed it just another moment. Quietly Leia took a seat behind the small tribute Rey and Poe had arranged.  Rey sat in the first row, BB-8 seated next to her on the inner edge of the aisle. Beside her sat Finn. Rose cast her eyes downward as she walked into the room. She sat beside Finn. Finn gently placed an arm around her shoulder, but she shrugged it off. Finn placed his hands in his lap, fidgeting.  There was a chasm between them.

Leia climbed to the podium to give an outline of the evening's plans. "We are gathered here to mourn our dead. After a few remarks from Captain Dameron, we will leave time for those who wish to to spend a moment. Afterward there will be refreshments. We also invite anyone who is struggling at this time to visit the medbay for counseling." Someone in the audience scoffed. "Captain Dameron, the time is yours." Though Poe was a few steps from the podium, the journey seemed to take an eternity. Perhaps for those who did not know him well, Poe seemed to be coping, but the way he carried himself was louder than silence.

Grimly, Poe looked over the audience. Leia and Admiral Holdo were in the back of his mind. _He is dangerous_ . _He is volatile. And goddamn he has no right to be here._ Finn looked to Rey. Rey merely shrugged. Poe had not told her what he had planned for the memorial, but something told her this was not it. In the silence one could hear three things: BB-8 quietly whirring, a few idle coughs, and several sniffles and choked sobs. Rey silently communicated with Poe the best she could. She wasn't exactly sure how the Force worked in a lot of ways, especially regarding mind reading and such, but she hoped and prayed that her thoughts were loud enough for Poe to hear. _'You can do this.'_

Finally, Poe lifted his head and cleared his throat.

_'Reckless flyboy.'_

“I know that this has been a hard few days, hell, it's been a hard few months... There has been more than enough to go around lately." then Poe laughed uncomfortably. Rose did not look up when Poe began speaking.  

"There will be more to come. But listen to me,” Poe raised a finger, and nervously licked his lips. “I was aboard the ship of the First Order. These bastards don't care about anything. They will do what they must to get what they want. They are cynical and calculating. I know the odds are stacked against us…” Poe clasped his hands, he started and stopped again. Finally, he said, “This loss hurts. It hurts because it matters."

Rose finally raised her head, but Poe could not hold her gaze for more than a few seconds. He looked to Finn. Finn’s gaze held steady. "Don’t let the First Order take that away from you. If we are to have a fighting chance, you _cannot_ become like them. You must refuse to join them. This hurt is the difference between us and them. On the memory of those taken from us, every night we survive, even if it is just one more day, it is total victory again and again. If you make it to midnight tonight, you can make it tomorrow.” Poe said the words with shaky confidence. He believed them, yeah, he had to believe his own words because the survival of the resistance depended on it, but even they could not fix the bottom line: He can’t look Rose in the eye because he got her sister killed and he’s in love with her boyfriend.

Poe returned to his seat at the front next to the general. Leia stood and dismissed the mourners. Poe sat hands clasped in he lap, head down low. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You did good, Poe.” Leia said. Poe said nothing. She seemed so much older than she had weeks ago. Poe looked past her and saw Rey smiling gently at him; Finn comforted Rose. Poe could hardly be mad at him, Finn was a good man.  A tear missed his cheek and hit the floor.

Poe felt like a walking wound.

After the memorial service, the majority of the rebels shuffle to the mess hall for supper. Leia watched as Poe slunk away from the group and walked lonely down the hall to his quarters. Not even his faithful droid was with him.

The walls seemed to close around him as he walked. Leia felt an ocean of distance from where he needed her to be. From the back of his head, Poe looks so much like _her,_ Leia thinks. She knows this is hardly the life Shara Bey would have chosen for her son, after all, she sacrificed for a better world for him.

But watching Poe walk down the back of the hall, his head of dark curls and the way he carried himself each gifts from his mother, Leia can’t help but feel that Poe is _so_ himself that in past lives and future lives, it would always end the same: He would get himself killed fighting for a cause that he believed in.

Leia wondered now if her old friend could see her son now. _Shara do you know you have a beautiful son?_ She wondered.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love me some damerey friendship solidarity.

**Author's Note:**

> tell me what you think! I haven't written fic in several years, so I am a little rusty and a bit scared. But I'm having fun and I hope you are too.  
> P.S.: I am looking for a beta for this story. If you might be interested or you know someone who would be lmk!


End file.
